How do I know if my child needs counselling? Signs to look for

A lot of parents who ring us start with the same words: “I’m probably overreacting, but…” They’ve noticed something. Their child is quieter, or angrier, or won’t go upstairs alone any more, and they can’t tell whether it’s a normal wobble or a sign their child needs counselling. This guide is about how to tell the difference.

When is it more than a phase?

It’s usually more than a phase when a change has lasted several weeks, it’s getting stronger instead of fading, and it’s starting to affect ordinary life. All children have rough patches, especially around a new school year, a house move or a new baby. Those tend to ease as things settle.

Three questions help:

1. How long has it been going on? A couple of bad days after a fall-out with a friend is normal. Four or five weeks of dreading school is worth looking at.
2. How much is it getting in the way? Think about sleep, eating, school, friendships and how the family gets through an evening.
3. Is it spreading? A worry that began with one teacher and now covers the whole school, or the bus, or leaving the house, tells you something.

If the answer to two of those points towards “more than a phase”, it’s reasonable to talk to someone.

What signs should I look for at different ages?

The signs look different at different ages, because younger children show distress through their bodies and their play, and older ones more often through mood and withdrawal.

None of these on its own means your child needs counselling. What matters is a change from how your child usually is, and how long it lasts.

Which signs are easy to miss?

The quiet ones are the easiest to miss. A child who is anxious and well behaved can go a long time without anyone noticing, because they aren’t causing trouble.

Watch for a child who seems fine at school and falls apart at home. Teachers may say they’re doing well while you see tears or rage every evening. This is often restraint collapse, and it’s common in children who are working hard all day to fit in. Autistic children, and girls in particular, may also be masking, copying what others do so well that their distress doesn’t show until they get home.

Other quiet signs include a child who stops asking to see friends, who gives up something they used to love, or who keeps asking “Are you cross with me?”

What can I try at home first?

There’s plenty you can try at home first, and it will also help you see the picture more clearly.

1. Keep a short note for two weeks of when hard moments happen, what came just before and how long they lasted.
2. Make some low-pressure time together. Side-by-side activities, like baking or a drive, often get more out of a child than a face-to-face talk.
3. Name what you see, gently. “You’ve seemed worried about school lately” invites them to talk without forcing it.
4. Look at sleep, food and screens, as tiredness makes every feeling bigger.
5. Talk to school and ask what they’ve noticed.

If things improve, you may not need anything more. If they don’t, your notes will make any conversation with a professional much easier.

Who should I talk to first?

Start with whoever you find easiest to reach, as long as somebody hears what you’re seeing. Your GP can rule out physical causes and refer to CAMHS if it’s needed, although waits can be long. School may have a counsellor or a pastoral lead.

You can also go to a private counsellor directly. We’re based in north Manchester and see children aged 3 to 18 in our clinic, in school or online. If worry is the main thing you’re seeing, our page on child anxiety counselling explains how we work with it. If you’d simply like to talk it through, you can book a free 15-minute call. It’s a conversation, and many parents tell us it helped just to say it all out loud.